Life of a Bamburg

Well it's really been too long for me. My computer finally crashed and burned. I no longer have it and that sometimes can be a blessing. The chapter went down from 11 to 3 then made it's way back up to 8 soon to be 9. The functions are good...well mostly. I met someone very special in my life. He's kinda growing on me for a while now and every time I get to spend time with him he makes me feel so very special. There really isn't much going on in my life except for the same old boring ordinary things that have always been going on in my life. I really don't have very much more to write.

Tonight was the night of my first Founder's Day banquet for Beta Sigma Phi. It was beautiful and lots of fun. The food was good and the place was GORGEOUS. I loved seeing all the sisterhood in the building and it really meant something to me. However, things aren't going well in my chapter. Four of us aren't happy with the way things are being run (and I do litterally mean R-U-N). Things are being taken over and not discussed amongst the group of all of us. Well anyway, back to the story at hand. "They" sat there in a very condesending manner and I just wanted to strangle them. They couldn't sit still long enough and couldn't keep from fidgeting the whole night. We had ceremonies honoring people who are significant in our city and all they could do was sit there and talk to each other. I mean, couldn't they have enough respect for these women who've been in this organization longer than they've been alive? NO! They couldn't see past their little bitty noses! I mean how fucking bitchy can you be. Things will hopefully change or we are going to have to leave and go to another chapter. It's sad when you can't stay in the chapter that you feel that you should have belonged to because your sisters have made it into some sort of big clicky thing. I've said my say in this.

I know it's been a while but I really haven't felt up to the task of blogging lately. The new job is keeping me busy and mostly tired every night. Grant....well Grant is giving me a headache most days. I love him and care about him, but how can I make him see that I'm a person that should be treated with as much respect as he wants to have? I just don't know what to do anymore.

We had a fight earlier tonight. (and yes....I mean fight!) Now he's not taking my calls or anything. I'm just so tired everyday. I want to crawl up into a corner and cry right now. He's made me feel the shittiest I've felt in a while. I swore that no one would ever make me feel this way again. I'm tired of being the one that has to take on the whole responsibility in a relationship. I'M TIRED OF DATING BOYS!!!!!!!!!!! When will a real man walk into my life? When will I have the intelligent conversation and regards that two intimate people share? *sigh*

Maybe dad was right? Maybe I am white trash and deserve no better. I always had my hopes and dreams. Now I don't even have that anymore.

Well my week has gone by in a flash. Almost. Got to spend some quality time with Grant during the week. I enjoy seeing him, even if he considers himself to be an asshole. He really is a good person. How can I make him see that though?

Started my new job on Thursday. It's going to be a lot of hard work, but I think that I'm up to the challenge. I brought my book home this weekend so I can study it some more. And when I say study, I mean STUDY! This thing is bigger than a Baton Rouge phone book. Lots of maps and codes and stuffis. I dread having to walk out to my car to go get it later today.

I go to pick up Grant about 4pm. He's really nervous about today. And to be honest, so am I. I'm just hoping that he doesn't do something stupid around my parents for them to have a reason to hate him right off the bat. He's already got points against him cause my mom LOVED Manny. I'm going to have to give him some last minute pointers on the way to the house tonight. Please God...don't let him screw up.

I went to take my drug testing today for my new job. You know what I'm talking about. "Please wash your hands. Don't flush the toilet. And while your not too busy, see if you can pee in this little bitty cup that we give ya." I swear! I think that this would be the only time I would wish that I was a man. So anyway, I call them up before I leave to go to ask them a few questions. This being my first time taking a drug test, I was a little curious as to what to expect at their clinic. Well to make a long story short, the woman that answered the phone was R-U-D-E! I wish I could have known which one it was when I got there. Well I waited about an hour before they even called me in there. ONE HOUR! to pee into a cup. I just don't get these people sometimes.

So afterwards I go on to LSU in search of Grant. I get there on campus and proceed to "hunt" for him on the floors we had said earlier. No Grant. So I page him, thinking that if he's in the building then he will go to the nearest payphone available. Nope. He snuck on by me. So finally in a last ditch effort, I got online and there he was. So we finally meet up and get to spend most of the afternoon together. It was wonderful just sitting there and talking to him. I can still tell that he's nervous around me and makes these lame ass jokes and is really loud, but I was really very proud of him for making the effort to NOT drape himself on me like a second skin. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the first relationship he's been in so he doesn't know any better. I have to have patience and let him know when he's crossing that line. He knows that I'm not a PDA person. At least he's trying.

So there I am, killing time till he gets out of class. He comes to meet me and then I catch the smell. He's got this little bottle of pheromones with him and he put some on after class, knowing that I like the smell of it. I could have killed him. Or jumped his bones. LOL I hope that he doesn't put that stuff on Saturday when he's meeting my parents for the first time.

Went to get some food for dinner. When I got back, my mom posed the strangest thing I've ever heard her say. She asked me if I needed help in paying my bills. I didn't know whether to be scared or cry. This is the first time that she's ever OFFERED to help me pay. She'll loan out $6,000 to other members of the family, but heaven forbid if her own daughter should go down the hole. I think I'm still in shock. I'm going to have to talk to her tomorrow about it. I'm still trying to figure out a way to respond. How does one tell their mom that "yes I'm in so much debt and trouble with creditors that I couldn't find my way out of a wet paper bag." Hmmmmm. Any suggestions?

Well I finally got to meet Grant today. I think I've seen him around campus before. In fact I know I have. I just can't remember where, but I'll never forget those eyes. He's very handsome and quite charming. We had fun chatting, but things got a little out of control. I'm glad that I put a stop to things, but I don't think he was too happy about my decision. He felt really bad afterwards, but I hope that he can understand why I did what I did.

I had to bring mom home today in the rain. That was an experience. Seven wreaks on the way there. Doesn't anyone know how to drive in the rain anymore????

I was supposed to go out on a date with my baby tonight, but he had to cancel. Made my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. Made me think of all the other excuses I've gotten in the past about dates. It really upset me and I took it out on him. I know its not his fault but I really wanted to spend some more time with him. He's got so much potential. I just hope that he cares for me as much as I care for him.

I know it hasn't been long since the breakup, but oh well. Time heals broken hearts...especially when you don't care about the person anymore. That's the one benefit of being me. People come into my life and slip right out. I care for only a certain few.

As of right now, I'm going to go see a friend of mine tomorrow. His name is Grant. Met him through Cajun Singles and we are going to go out tomorrow. He's really sweet, kind, crazy, charming, and makes me laugh. He's a little sex crazed, but at his age who isn't. I just with that he would use a little more decourum sometimes. He's got me thinking about things in my life and I wonder if he's the one for me. There are so many strange coincidences in our lives. For instance, our birthday's are the same day...only months apart. His first contact with me is on the date that we share for birthday's...only a different month. Coincidence or some kind of funky karma thing going on? You tell me.

I've been feeling better lately since I've gotten some lately. It makes me feel relaxed and calmer than usual. I'm just hoping right now that he's going to be able to call me back in a little while.

I've been dumped. Nothing more to say.

I don't think I've been this happy for a long time.
::Shawn enters stage right::
This man has my life upside down right now. He saw me 2 weeks ago and took all this time getting up the courage to speak to me. The more we talk, the more I feel that I've come across the love of my life. The more we talk, the more we learn about one another. Neither of us can get enough of the other. I love to learn about his life. I love everything about him. I was never a true believer of love at first sight until I met him. He's intelligent, sweet, kind, funny, and as an added bonus to the package, he's DROP DEAD SEXY! We talked on the phone until 4 this morning. When I talk with him, I find that I'm so comfortable and so expressive of my feelings. He brings out the best in me. He's a truely awesome person. Last night while talking, he said my name. I know this may sound like something insignificant to you all, but he's never called me by my chat name in a private phone call. It makes my heart melt when he calls me by my whole name. No nicknames for him. Well getting back to the story, he said my name and paused. I was getting ready to say his back, but then I heard him sigh and say, "I love you." That took me by suprise. I've loved him since the first time I spoke with him. To hear him say it brought butterflies to my stomach and joy to my heart. I know you may say that this is too soon, but I firmly believe that there is some intervention is at work here. He brings joy and comfort into my life. I only wish that we would be closer in distance cause I believe that we are close at heart. I can't wait for him to get home. Just to hear his voice and see his smile that melts the remaining pieces of ice that is left over in my heart from the iceberg that Manny created in me. It feels like first love. You know what I'm talking about. Your first love that makes you all "atwitter". He makes me feel this way. Giddy, happy, wonderful...the adjectives could stretch for miles. He comes home later tonight that yesterday and will try to spend as much time with me as possible. As I sit here writing this, I remember the words and can't help but smile.

Ever feel like your friend's really aren't your friends? Well I just got the ass chewing of the century from someone I considered to be a friend. Why you might ask? I'm not going to get into details. She knows what happened and treated not only me but HIM badly because of it. Did she have any right to? NO! I've forgiven her for what she has done because I understand that everyone has bad days. Will she and I ever been friends again? I don't know. Right now I have no trust in her whatsoever because of what she did. If it had been me I wouldn't have done this to her. I went through all of this crap when I was dating Manny and I refuse to be dragged into this shit again. I trusted Erin and she never did anything with Manny. She wound up hating him but as far as I know they never did anything and I never had a reason to not believe her. I will not go through this with Amy however. She can have whoever she wants to have. Just don't involve me in anything anymore. I don't want to know cause frankly right now I don't care. I did care, but I don't now. I'm sorry if this post hurts you, but this is how I feel. I'm betrayed. I'm hurt. I really don't want to be associated with you right now.

I left home 4 days ago. I'm in the process of healing my broken heart. What makes my parents act the way that they do? I will not be able to understand them. The hurt that my mother has inflicted on me will last me a lifetime plus some. Last night for instance. I was sleeping when she called here. She wanted to talk to me. Well when I woke up, I gave her a call. Well she was too busy to speak with me. She had to finish her conversation with someone else. Someone she could have easily called back after she was finished talking to me. I couldn't believe it. It was once again that someone else's needs came before me. So yes, I cried like a little baby while my nanny just sat there holding me and comforting me. I don't know what I would do without that wonderful woman. She's been my lifeline in this crazy world. She and I have the relationship that my mother and I should have. My mother on the other hand is out to get everyone to pity her and have them look up to her. My aunt gives of herself freely and never expects anything else in return. I love her so much.

Forsaken. This may seem like only a word to most people, but in my family it's a way of life. Who can betray or let down the other first. I alway seem to be the brunt end of this one little "harmless" word. Forsaken. The one thing that I wanted most in my life won't be happening because my father deemed it not so. Let me break it down for you.

*********
(5:00 a.m)
Dad: (opens door) Dette
Me: (awoken from a deep sleep and jumps up thinking something is wrong) Wha???
Dad: Are you going to Mississippi today?
Me: (groggily) Yeah
Dad: You aren't leaving this state with MY car!
Me: It's not your car.
Dad: Yes it is and you aren't going to Mississippi with it.
Me: Fine. But I'm going somewhere today.
(exit stage left)

**********

So as you can see, I'm 23 and still don't have my life as my own. I'm working on changing this, but it's not easy. So I've decided to go away for a few days. I won't call him to let him know I'm not coming. I'll just email him with a simple I'm sorry and be on the road before to long. I'm not saying where I'm going cause frankly I don't want anyone to know. If you thinking to yourself "Yeah like your going to get far", I've already been approved for this place. The almighty last authority of my household has spoken. I swear to myself and to you who read this that my husband or any man for that matter will never again rule my life. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a wet pillow that needs drying and I need to get ready for the trip.

Amy if you read this then don't worry. I'm some place safe. I'm not saying where I'm going and please don't tell anyone I've left. They wouldn't notice that I'm gone anyway. I'll be back when I get back. Take care. Hugs.

Well this has been a very busy weekend. Went to the funeral home today in Church Point. A great aunt of mine passed away. It's a shame that the only time I get to see my extended family is when there is a death in the family....or they need something. I was so looking forward to going to Alabama, but like always, I will probably get fucked up the ass as usual. It's not unusual for this to happen. It happens in my family all the time. We were supposed to leave early tomorrow morning. But low and behold, my aunt called to let me know that we will not be leaving until Wednesday morning. To those of you outside of the family, it may look to you that we are just leaving later than usual. To a member of the family, it's pretty much the trip version of the kiss of death. A delay ALWAYS means that there will be no trip in the immediate future. If this isn't true then I will be in shock. So to answer your question, yes I'm a little down right now. And no I don't want to be cheered up. I want to kill....mainly someone that I had to see that is a member of my extended family.

Oh Dan...what can I do or say to make you stop hurting? You know I care. Maybe too much. To be honest I was falling for you, but I'm trying to back away so you don't feel like I am putting some kind of pressure on you. I back away from the things that go wrong in my life. Most of the time I turn away from those things. I'm trying not to do that with you. I'm so sorry that she hurt you. It seems as if our lives are one in the same some days. I was hurt when you didn't talk to me earlier, but I guess that is my own fault. Decisions on whether to stay in your life or walk away. Decisions on how much of a friend I can allow myself to be with you. Life is never easy.

As for your sister, I say fuck her. You will have children and you will make the most awesome horny frenchman dad I've ever seen! =) Know not in your mind but in your heart that she is wrong and will always be wrong. Know that we care for you regardless of how much I push you away. I'm not perfect and neither are you. But accept me for who I am and I'm going to accept you for who you are. Amy loves you. Neil loves you. I love you.

Friendships. Well I thought I was a good friend until being told that I don't stick up for anyone. I think that there couldn't have been any harsher words spoken to me. I think it's time for me to fall back into the shadows and remove myself from the group. It won't be hard. It never has been. Christina was right. I'm not a good friend. I NEVER stick up for anyone. I'm the one that's causing all the fucking problems in the world. So minus "the problem" from the equation and things become better again right?

Amy I know you are really worried about me. I'm going through the world's biggest pity trip right now. Aren't I entitled to one every now and again? I haven't had one in so long.

Dan, it's got nothing to do with you. You have to understand though that without intending to, you hurt me worse than you could have ever imagined. I can't explain it. Be patient on the friendship thing ok. It's going to take time.

Love. It's something I know very little about. All the guys I've been through the last few months makes me so discouraged. I want what I had, unfortunately I'm not worthy of having something like that again. Out of all of them, Jeff is the one that mattered most. However, his distance from me is what makes it difficult for me to accept. I'm not talking about distance in the milage sense. The one and only time our hearts crossed was when he sent me that song before boot camp. I've been listening to that most of the afternoon and wondering where did I take a wrong turn. It'll be year in March since I've had a real live boyfriend. Not some relationship over the net. Why am I so concerned you might ask? Because my biggest fear is being alone in my life. There's only so much that friends and family can provide, but eventually they have lives to lead of their own. I want someone that I can wake up to in the morning. I want someone to yell at for leaving the toilet seat up. I want that unconditional love and committment. I want that promise. I don't want to be hurt again like I was when Manny left. I honestly believed that I could change his mind and he would want to stay. I disillusion myself into thinking the impossible and am so hurt when my expectations aren't met. Everyone I've ever known in my life has moved on in one way or another. People come and go. I want that rock to hold onto in the storm that is my life. Someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Where is that person? Where is he hiding? Or maybe he's just a figment of my imagination?

My darling Amy girl. What would I do without those many days that you get on here to liven my life up or cheer me up or walk this youngun in the right direction. You are a very special person in my life. If I lived closer you could guarantee that I would be picking your butt up whenever you needed me to. Life isn't always as we would like it to be, but I'm so glad that my life has you in it. You will never know exactly how much you mean to me. You know that I'll always be here for you whenever you need me to be.

On a news front, I'm going to go see Candice for a job today. Which really translates into, I better get my butt going in the next 30 mins or so. Dad managed to find a new headlight for my car. *crosses fingers* I hope it works. Pledge ritual is coming up on Tuesday, so I will have to be studying my manual like I was on crack. I know i haven't picked it up in a while so I need to get cracking.

Well I think I've finally decided what I'm going to do in my life. I've decided to forgo school. Yes I know those of you out there screaming DON'T DO IT! but it's time that I got out on my own. If I want to go back to school, I can always go back later (regardless of what my father tells me). I have to go to school tomorrow and withdraw from the University. This decision hasn't been easy for me at all. I wish that things could have been easier. I can't shake this feeling that I've been the biggest failure in the entire world. I know that what I'm doing is good for me but I still can't shake the feeling of doing something wrong. I know I always said I was going to finish and maybe some day in the future I will. I wish there was some force in the world that would tell you if your decisions were right or wrong...sort of like an oracle. However, we live in the land above fantasies, so there is no such thing. I pray that this is right for me.

Ever feel like you just wish you had someone to tell you that your decisions in life are the right thing to do? All I've ever wanted was for someone to gently guide me in the right direction. Now I'm faced with one of the biggest decisions in all of my life. And I've really begun to think that I am really all alone. Case in point, I went over to Ganzy's place tonight to just stop in and say hello. Everyone was having a good time and I just kinda felt like I no longer belonged there. It really upset me because I thought that these people were my friends. I haven't found my niche in life yet. That's the most aggrevating part, but what makes me feel worse is I sit here and think about it. It's like I can't get it out of my brain and talk to someone because really and truely when it comes down to it, who do i trust? My best friend? Lord knows where he's at right now so he's of absolutely no help to me. My Indian friends? They just wouldn't understand cause that's nothing that they are exposed to. Believe me....they WOULDN'T understand. My internet friends? As much as I love them, they just don't really know the real me at all. They know the me I allow them to see. My sorority sisters? I couldn't possibly do that! I'm still trying to get a feel on them. As it is, they probably think I'm white trash anyway. It's so confusing and I really have nowhere to turn to for advice. I guess it's going to have to be on my own from now on. Time to get started then.

I've been faced with a hard decision to make. Amy posed two possible topics for me to discuss here on my board since I really haven't had much to say as of late. My first choice was to talk about her *boobs*. ^_^ My second option is to talk about scooby doo. Faced with this unsurmountable decision, I'm forced to chose the later rather than the former. For those of you who don't know what that means, LOOK IT UP! So on I go about Scooby Doo.

He is an enigma in himself. I mean from the way he talked to his actions, Scooby was a very strange character indeed. His speech for instance. Did he have a speech impediment or was it just maybe from licking his own dick for all those years? His walk. Was it because he was badly drawn or was it because of all the dick that they shoved up his ass to satisfy the rest of the male characters? His aversion to scary situations. Was it because he was genuinely scared or was it because he knew what would happen to his tender ass as soon as the lights go out? Poor Scooby was used in so many ways by the whole character group of the show it isn't funny. I know that dogs have unconditional love for their master, but don't you think that maybe the love went a little too far for Shaggy and his "dog"?