Life of a Bamburg

So here I sit in my favorite place on my vacation. Yes my vacation never consists of going somewhere far away to something that I've never seen before. My vacations exist only to get away from work. So here I sit at my best friend's house and wondering if I really want to go to my boyfriends house. I'm so confused when it comes to him. He wants me to be more than I am, but on the flip side, I want him to be more than he is. He's willing to meet me but I don't know if I'm willing to meet him. I want him to want more for himself...rather than wanting it for me or because of me. So here I sit. On my mother's 60th birthday. In another city. On the computer. Being a bum. That. is. vacation.

I hurt him. I never meant to. He came on too strong and scared me away. I just wanted things to be easy and now he's hurting. His heart is breaking. He wanted to change his life and I just stomped on his heart. I needed time to catch up. I needed time to get to where he is. I just fucking needed time! I know that I'll never find what I had with Manny, but I'd love to come close to what I had. DAMNIT! Why couldn't he have given me more time? Why couldn't he just take it easy with me instead of pushing it so soon?

One look at his face and all the feelings came flooding back. The times we shared, the smell of his cologne, me playing with his ears all the time. They could pass for brothers. I thought I would have been over him this many years later, but realized that I'll never get over Manny. He was the love of my life. He was everything that I ever wanted to have. I remember so clearly so many days that we spent together. He's in my mind, in my skin. I've been able to function normally until this weekend. Just seeing "him" brought it all back. Not that he is what I'm looking for by a longshot. He just reminds me. Kind of like one of those people that remind you of someone. He didn't ask to look like Manny, but he brought it all rushing back to me. I look at what my life has become since that day so long ago and want to smack myself for not being true to myself. Thank you for looking like the love of my life. It brings it back and makes me remember.

They say that you have to take the good with the bad.

**RANT**Well let me tell you that the "bad" sucks donkey dick! Here I was having a really tough week because mom decided to go a little nutty. Got my ass chewed like a piece of beef jerky...1500 years old! Well the bright spot of my weekend was when Nick came to see me. He lifted my spirits and made me feel special. Well, I decided that I was gonna try to do something nice for someone on Sunday and what do I get? The front end of my car wrecked. It's not the fault of the people I was helping but some little young girl out joy riding in the middle of the night in the middle of no where. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I have to see that all this gets taken care of. I haven't even heard back from the little girl's insurance company and it's driving me nuts. I WORK TOO DAMNED HARD FOR THIS! In addition, I'm going to have to get another job (as in second) in order to pay for all the new things that have been put on my shoulders. **END RANT**

I'm feeling like I'm in a never ending dark tunnel that has no light at the end. I do know however that my relationship with Nick is now in the open and I feel so much better having it open. I'm just worried that someone, somewhere, someday is gonna get bored and decide that they need to have a little drama in their lives. Ahhhhh...the boredom of the internet. Wonderful thing isn't it?

I mentioned earlier that I had 90% of my check go to bills. Make that 95%! More bills! Mom insane! Update at 11! It's been a really rough week and I haven't had the strength to deal with her at all. I'm glad that she's in Rayne. Peace for a moment in time.

Another day...another life. I've been caught in this viscious cycle that has me going around in circles. Doesn't make sense? EXACTLY! The divorce is final and I'm legally a free woman. Also a divorced woman, but beggars can't be choosers. I've been sick for the past week and it doesn't seem to get much better as the days go by. A rhino could be lighter on my chest. As for me personally, I've been trying to look for the new guy in my life. 'New guy?! Didn't you just get rid of the old one?!' Well yes...but I'm always looking for someone who will love me and talk with me and want to say things to me just to hear what I have to say back. Not someone who winds up being a jerk because of stupid shit that comes out of their mouths. The dating scene for me was up to speed but now it's slowed down and I find myself being lonely. 'Well it's the start of a new year and new beginnings.' Yes but I don't want my past to have any effect on my future. I've been pretty blunt and forward about the things in my life and I know what I want and won't settle for less. I wish some others would understand that as much as I do. Sorority is nuts! It's hard for me to be part of a chapter that is 30 minutes away from me. Plus I have so many bills that I can't really get out and do things with them like I want to because I can't afford it. Over 90% goes towards the debt that he put me in. The other 10%? I get to keep that IF I'm lucky. But at least I am happier than I was before and I'm alive...that's all that matters.