Life of a Bamburg

I left home 4 days ago. I'm in the process of healing my broken heart. What makes my parents act the way that they do? I will not be able to understand them. The hurt that my mother has inflicted on me will last me a lifetime plus some. Last night for instance. I was sleeping when she called here. She wanted to talk to me. Well when I woke up, I gave her a call. Well she was too busy to speak with me. She had to finish her conversation with someone else. Someone she could have easily called back after she was finished talking to me. I couldn't believe it. It was once again that someone else's needs came before me. So yes, I cried like a little baby while my nanny just sat there holding me and comforting me. I don't know what I would do without that wonderful woman. She's been my lifeline in this crazy world. She and I have the relationship that my mother and I should have. My mother on the other hand is out to get everyone to pity her and have them look up to her. My aunt gives of herself freely and never expects anything else in return. I love her so much.

Forsaken. This may seem like only a word to most people, but in my family it's a way of life. Who can betray or let down the other first. I alway seem to be the brunt end of this one little "harmless" word. Forsaken. The one thing that I wanted most in my life won't be happening because my father deemed it not so. Let me break it down for you.

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(5:00 a.m)
Dad: (opens door) Dette
Me: (awoken from a deep sleep and jumps up thinking something is wrong) Wha???
Dad: Are you going to Mississippi today?
Me: (groggily) Yeah
Dad: You aren't leaving this state with MY car!
Me: It's not your car.
Dad: Yes it is and you aren't going to Mississippi with it.
Me: Fine. But I'm going somewhere today.
(exit stage left)

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So as you can see, I'm 23 and still don't have my life as my own. I'm working on changing this, but it's not easy. So I've decided to go away for a few days. I won't call him to let him know I'm not coming. I'll just email him with a simple I'm sorry and be on the road before to long. I'm not saying where I'm going cause frankly I don't want anyone to know. If you thinking to yourself "Yeah like your going to get far", I've already been approved for this place. The almighty last authority of my household has spoken. I swear to myself and to you who read this that my husband or any man for that matter will never again rule my life. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a wet pillow that needs drying and I need to get ready for the trip.

Amy if you read this then don't worry. I'm some place safe. I'm not saying where I'm going and please don't tell anyone I've left. They wouldn't notice that I'm gone anyway. I'll be back when I get back. Take care. Hugs.

Well this has been a very busy weekend. Went to the funeral home today in Church Point. A great aunt of mine passed away. It's a shame that the only time I get to see my extended family is when there is a death in the family....or they need something. I was so looking forward to going to Alabama, but like always, I will probably get fucked up the ass as usual. It's not unusual for this to happen. It happens in my family all the time. We were supposed to leave early tomorrow morning. But low and behold, my aunt called to let me know that we will not be leaving until Wednesday morning. To those of you outside of the family, it may look to you that we are just leaving later than usual. To a member of the family, it's pretty much the trip version of the kiss of death. A delay ALWAYS means that there will be no trip in the immediate future. If this isn't true then I will be in shock. So to answer your question, yes I'm a little down right now. And no I don't want to be cheered up. I want to kill....mainly someone that I had to see that is a member of my extended family.

Oh Dan...what can I do or say to make you stop hurting? You know I care. Maybe too much. To be honest I was falling for you, but I'm trying to back away so you don't feel like I am putting some kind of pressure on you. I back away from the things that go wrong in my life. Most of the time I turn away from those things. I'm trying not to do that with you. I'm so sorry that she hurt you. It seems as if our lives are one in the same some days. I was hurt when you didn't talk to me earlier, but I guess that is my own fault. Decisions on whether to stay in your life or walk away. Decisions on how much of a friend I can allow myself to be with you. Life is never easy.

As for your sister, I say fuck her. You will have children and you will make the most awesome horny frenchman dad I've ever seen! =) Know not in your mind but in your heart that she is wrong and will always be wrong. Know that we care for you regardless of how much I push you away. I'm not perfect and neither are you. But accept me for who I am and I'm going to accept you for who you are. Amy loves you. Neil loves you. I love you.

Friendships. Well I thought I was a good friend until being told that I don't stick up for anyone. I think that there couldn't have been any harsher words spoken to me. I think it's time for me to fall back into the shadows and remove myself from the group. It won't be hard. It never has been. Christina was right. I'm not a good friend. I NEVER stick up for anyone. I'm the one that's causing all the fucking problems in the world. So minus "the problem" from the equation and things become better again right?

Amy I know you are really worried about me. I'm going through the world's biggest pity trip right now. Aren't I entitled to one every now and again? I haven't had one in so long.

Dan, it's got nothing to do with you. You have to understand though that without intending to, you hurt me worse than you could have ever imagined. I can't explain it. Be patient on the friendship thing ok. It's going to take time.

Love. It's something I know very little about. All the guys I've been through the last few months makes me so discouraged. I want what I had, unfortunately I'm not worthy of having something like that again. Out of all of them, Jeff is the one that mattered most. However, his distance from me is what makes it difficult for me to accept. I'm not talking about distance in the milage sense. The one and only time our hearts crossed was when he sent me that song before boot camp. I've been listening to that most of the afternoon and wondering where did I take a wrong turn. It'll be year in March since I've had a real live boyfriend. Not some relationship over the net. Why am I so concerned you might ask? Because my biggest fear is being alone in my life. There's only so much that friends and family can provide, but eventually they have lives to lead of their own. I want someone that I can wake up to in the morning. I want someone to yell at for leaving the toilet seat up. I want that unconditional love and committment. I want that promise. I don't want to be hurt again like I was when Manny left. I honestly believed that I could change his mind and he would want to stay. I disillusion myself into thinking the impossible and am so hurt when my expectations aren't met. Everyone I've ever known in my life has moved on in one way or another. People come and go. I want that rock to hold onto in the storm that is my life. Someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Where is that person? Where is he hiding? Or maybe he's just a figment of my imagination?

My darling Amy girl. What would I do without those many days that you get on here to liven my life up or cheer me up or walk this youngun in the right direction. You are a very special person in my life. If I lived closer you could guarantee that I would be picking your butt up whenever you needed me to. Life isn't always as we would like it to be, but I'm so glad that my life has you in it. You will never know exactly how much you mean to me. You know that I'll always be here for you whenever you need me to be.

On a news front, I'm going to go see Candice for a job today. Which really translates into, I better get my butt going in the next 30 mins or so. Dad managed to find a new headlight for my car. *crosses fingers* I hope it works. Pledge ritual is coming up on Tuesday, so I will have to be studying my manual like I was on crack. I know i haven't picked it up in a while so I need to get cracking.

Well I think I've finally decided what I'm going to do in my life. I've decided to forgo school. Yes I know those of you out there screaming DON'T DO IT! but it's time that I got out on my own. If I want to go back to school, I can always go back later (regardless of what my father tells me). I have to go to school tomorrow and withdraw from the University. This decision hasn't been easy for me at all. I wish that things could have been easier. I can't shake this feeling that I've been the biggest failure in the entire world. I know that what I'm doing is good for me but I still can't shake the feeling of doing something wrong. I know I always said I was going to finish and maybe some day in the future I will. I wish there was some force in the world that would tell you if your decisions were right or wrong...sort of like an oracle. However, we live in the land above fantasies, so there is no such thing. I pray that this is right for me.

Ever feel like you just wish you had someone to tell you that your decisions in life are the right thing to do? All I've ever wanted was for someone to gently guide me in the right direction. Now I'm faced with one of the biggest decisions in all of my life. And I've really begun to think that I am really all alone. Case in point, I went over to Ganzy's place tonight to just stop in and say hello. Everyone was having a good time and I just kinda felt like I no longer belonged there. It really upset me because I thought that these people were my friends. I haven't found my niche in life yet. That's the most aggrevating part, but what makes me feel worse is I sit here and think about it. It's like I can't get it out of my brain and talk to someone because really and truely when it comes down to it, who do i trust? My best friend? Lord knows where he's at right now so he's of absolutely no help to me. My Indian friends? They just wouldn't understand cause that's nothing that they are exposed to. Believe me....they WOULDN'T understand. My internet friends? As much as I love them, they just don't really know the real me at all. They know the me I allow them to see. My sorority sisters? I couldn't possibly do that! I'm still trying to get a feel on them. As it is, they probably think I'm white trash anyway. It's so confusing and I really have nowhere to turn to for advice. I guess it's going to have to be on my own from now on. Time to get started then.

I've been faced with a hard decision to make. Amy posed two possible topics for me to discuss here on my board since I really haven't had much to say as of late. My first choice was to talk about her *boobs*. ^_^ My second option is to talk about scooby doo. Faced with this unsurmountable decision, I'm forced to chose the later rather than the former. For those of you who don't know what that means, LOOK IT UP! So on I go about Scooby Doo.

He is an enigma in himself. I mean from the way he talked to his actions, Scooby was a very strange character indeed. His speech for instance. Did he have a speech impediment or was it just maybe from licking his own dick for all those years? His walk. Was it because he was badly drawn or was it because of all the dick that they shoved up his ass to satisfy the rest of the male characters? His aversion to scary situations. Was it because he was genuinely scared or was it because he knew what would happen to his tender ass as soon as the lights go out? Poor Scooby was used in so many ways by the whole character group of the show it isn't funny. I know that dogs have unconditional love for their master, but don't you think that maybe the love went a little too far for Shaggy and his "dog"?