Life of a Bamburg

It's shaping up to be an interesting day. My mother is coming over to help me do my spring cleaning today and my hubby is home sick. I wonder if he really does sleep like the dead.

So it's been a long time since I've done this thing. So many things have happened in the years since my last post. Let's see...the short story. I moved in with Ryan only to move out about 2 months later. One of those things I guess. Moved in with Becky and Joker. Year passed by. Met Danny. Fell in love with Danny. Married him. (2nd marriage btw) Living alone with husband. Got a chihuahua instead of getting pregnant. Quit my job. Am now a Home Maker. I can't stand the phrase "House Wife". I didn't marry the freaking HOUSE!

So now I have WAYYY too much time on my hands on a daily basis. I learned how to quilt. Well...am learning how to quilt. It's a work in progress. I got the cooking and baking thing down pat. So now onto the creativity. I know, I know...random thoughts. Will have to post more later.

So here I sit in my favorite place on my vacation. Yes my vacation never consists of going somewhere far away to something that I've never seen before. My vacations exist only to get away from work. So here I sit at my best friend's house and wondering if I really want to go to my boyfriends house. I'm so confused when it comes to him. He wants me to be more than I am, but on the flip side, I want him to be more than he is. He's willing to meet me but I don't know if I'm willing to meet him. I want him to want more for himself...rather than wanting it for me or because of me. So here I sit. On my mother's 60th birthday. In another city. On the computer. Being a bum. That. is. vacation.

I hurt him. I never meant to. He came on too strong and scared me away. I just wanted things to be easy and now he's hurting. His heart is breaking. He wanted to change his life and I just stomped on his heart. I needed time to catch up. I needed time to get to where he is. I just fucking needed time! I know that I'll never find what I had with Manny, but I'd love to come close to what I had. DAMNIT! Why couldn't he have given me more time? Why couldn't he just take it easy with me instead of pushing it so soon?

One look at his face and all the feelings came flooding back. The times we shared, the smell of his cologne, me playing with his ears all the time. They could pass for brothers. I thought I would have been over him this many years later, but realized that I'll never get over Manny. He was the love of my life. He was everything that I ever wanted to have. I remember so clearly so many days that we spent together. He's in my mind, in my skin. I've been able to function normally until this weekend. Just seeing "him" brought it all back. Not that he is what I'm looking for by a longshot. He just reminds me. Kind of like one of those people that remind you of someone. He didn't ask to look like Manny, but he brought it all rushing back to me. I look at what my life has become since that day so long ago and want to smack myself for not being true to myself. Thank you for looking like the love of my life. It brings it back and makes me remember.